It has taken me some time to take stock of the training I undertook with Advanced Course of Landmark education this year while I am still deriving new insights with the tools learnt in the Forum. At the end of March 2011, I attended the Advanced Course that was about responsibility for a team. It was a whole degree more confrontational than the Forum, a whole degree stronger in its training of accountability. In an emotional equivalent of the physical experience of the rowing regatta I recently raced, at times I felt as if I would ‘break in two’. Yet there was something exhilarating in letting go to the visceral responses and trying out something new, in a space that was perceivably safe for all that it was confronting (par excellence for the lone wolf I had become).
The advanced course placed the concept of self-identity in the spotlight of the conversations with the forum leader and the exercises with the team. The breakthrough in the advanced course, for me, was the awakening to an ability to look at my identity and begin moving it out of the way; to try new things; to make space for new ways of being. I say here, awakening to the possibility, for this is not about prediction, expectation or control. It is about practice of new forms of being, reflection on the story I am telling myself as I practice, increasing recognition of the elements of my past life with which I have defined my identity, noting with less favour or disappointment what happens or doesn’t happen, declaring the opportunity that opens up, regardless of what happened or didn’t.
There are some things in my life that I am unsure I can be. There are some expectations that I still hold, that show up in heart fluttering anxiety. Yet I see them for what they are, and I see opportunity. What of transformation? I can confirm for myself that Landmark Education has been transformative in resolving two closely connected ways I was: motivated to find new avenues of service for humanity; and the anxiety of failure. I am now more sure and excited than ever that I can build the work I began 3 years ago, to inspire social discourse through performing arts approaches, yet I am without anxiety about failure nor over-concerned for success. The proof will be in the pudding which I will continue to bake, as soon as I finish acting in a local theatrical production (O, yes, being an actor, something new, opportunity to skill-up). On stage August 19-25 2011. Loving it.